i've been contemplating getting my teeth fixed. it's always something i've been self conscious of, always wanted, but for some strange reason, i haven't done it. it's not so much procrastination as it is that with a lot of my other little self-improvement quests their not outwardly visible all the time... and this would be. not that it's not particularly noticeable by my jagged shark toothed grin right now, but at least it doesn't shine and set off the prospectors. eh, we'll see. i kinda like the idea of nice teeth. in other news, i want to start a fight. not with anyone in particular, but i went to sleep expecting to wake up in the morning, and yet here we are, at 1am, wide awake. i want to kick something.

i'm going back. can't find a job. feel lonely without friends. police academy in VA doesn't start until march. going to get a gym membership, a shitty job, get as in shape as possible and see what i can put together for myself. im going to change. that and so much more. stay tuned.

so. im visiting mass.. sounds really weird. i'm working construction. it's miserable, medial, repetitive labor that is thoroughly uninteresting to me... and i like it like that, it gives me motivation to find something better, like what happened Friday with the license. and with norfolk being as desperate as they are... hell with the whole of hampton roads area being like that i think i could have a really decent chance.i guess im gonna miss ozzfest. another year of ozy not being dead that i could have watched him. GAH. i really have this itch to see people like that, big contributers to music... like how some people can say they saw the doors or zep or the beatles... so i want to see

ozzy/black sabbath
g n r / axl
anyone of the few grugies that arent dead from heroin or headshot wounds to the facial.
and others.

that was why i was pushing so hard LAST year for the gnr., even without axl.

more later, gotta do stuff with peeps.

i'm really having trouble with finding a job, it worries me; makes me feel like maybe i shouldn't have gone back to school... i think that the places look at my resume and they see how long i've been out of work and their just like wtf, why has he been out of work for so long... i hate that i miss all my friends and family so much, it sucks that their so far away. i think i explained adequately to aaron why i had to move but it really doesn't make it any easier. i bought the jeep and now i have to buy a new tranny and rebuild the old transmission, which should be a SWEET learning experience, if not completly confusing... DUN DUN DUUUUUUN!!! meh, i'm bored. late.

whelp. this sucks. i'm writing a kind of memoir, detailing all the major events in my life. the plan is to detail all major events, then go back and one by one list as many details as possible. here is a sample i'm particularly proud of, detailing my time spent in between melissa moving out and my moving back to my parents house. it's become my favorite for what will soon become obvious(ly spiteful) reasons. HA

I thought that we’d always work things out. It’s not her fault, it’s because I’m a hopeless romantic. After a couple months in the apartment alone( and yes, Melissa, if you ever read this, before you came back for the queen sized bed that WE shared that my parents gave to US, I fucked the shit out of several girls in it. i'd be god damned if i would let you take that mattress that we laid on and fucked some other guy on it after you asked me not to bring any girls to "our apartment as you left me), I moved back in with my parents. Although I was back in my old room, it really never felt like mine again. I guess it never does. I had no bed, all my furniture was in storage, I slept on the floor in a pink bedroom with all my sisters old high school stuff( this actually hadn’t been my room since I was much younger).

fucking cunt, i don't regret that i didn't work things out with her, i regret ever giving that fat piece of shit the time of day and the part of my heart that she fucked up so bad that all these years later i still don't know what the fuck i'm doing. i could spit on her face and i don't think i could express what i feel for her.

although i'm having a really good time here, my mind is chaotic. i hate that. this feeling that there's so much to concentrate on and straighten out, and all of such equal importance, that i don't know where to start. i'm scared about how long it's taking me to find a job; i think it's partly because it's a military city and there's so many more people here. i also worry about my relationship, the uncertainty of it worries me. i'm filling out a police app for norfolk's humane division, and there is a job fair on thursday, and the Virginian Pilot is hiring, open interviews tomorrow.
you know what would suck? being one of those hitler look-alikes that the history channel apparently has so many of for reenactments. ugh. i like that randi started writing again, or allowing me to read her journal, it made me think that i should be writing still, and it feels really good to be putting down what's been going on every few days. eh, more later.

well, things have calmed down a bit, but thats not to say that all is normal, by any means. but there again, what's normal, yada yada yada. Janette has gone to stay with some friend, and jerry said that it's about done, fawn and him were talking about getting keys and stuff back. i'm kind of in between disbelief, anger and sadness about the whole thing. i'm angry and in disbelief because of the way that Janette is handling things, the disrespect at the end of a relationship i can understand towards jerry, that shit is never pretty, but the way that she's taking advantage of aunt fawn and how much she cares for the kids really pisses me off. i'm also sad, for the kids and jerry mostly, i'm sure it's hard, or it will be for the kids, and jerry really is a great kid, or at least he always seemed to be... he deserves to be happy. it's a shame that he locked himself into this deathtrap. i guess i'm also, as selfish as it sounds, a little angry that they couldn't resolve this shit maturely, without involving me or laura(mostly Janette, attacking us like that was just viscous), i knew they had problems, but chose to ignore them in the hope that i could get to be closer with my cousin, and hoped that they wouldn't explode like this, it worried laura, and she ended up talking to her mom about it, who obviously isn't fond of her being here anyways, and immediately started pushing even harder for her to come home. then my dad called to tell me that i had had a rough day and was welcome back as soon as possible... i have always wanted this, i just wish i could get some fucking support. didn't help that my mom accused me of running up the mobil bill when i know for a fact it went up when i filled up their cars and tractor gas tanks like they asked.

on to more pleasant things: i've decided to buy the jeep. i love it, and it's in my price range, and i'm going to buy a new transmission for it at a yard and rebuild it with my cousin. down side: money. ah well, i'm outta here. peas.

today jerry and Janette had a blow out. and people wonder why i have commitment issues... i don't want to have kids that have to deal with seeing that, putting aside the utter unpleasantness of having your prized possessions and photos floating in the bathroom, your clothes on the front lawn... man, what a trip. life is scary. the whole thing left me thinking that i should just come home, that no one wanted me here. i was put right in the middle of it, Janette saying that no one wanted to put me up or w.e., not like i believe it but... whatever. no good can come of obsessing over this.
nightie night.

i miss people in mass., but vab is awesome. the only way i could be happier is if i could transplant everyone i love here... but unfortunately, most of them have reasons to stay in MA., and the few that don't i can't ask, or their just in denial about what would really make them happy. tomorrow i'm going to sugar ray. their playing a free show on the beach. even if they suck, music on the beach HAS to be awesome. plus, there'll be BEER. in other news, i was a bouncer for about a night, before i decided i HATE being sober at a bar. especially till 3am, when i have an interview at ten the next day. what was really strange; i was the smallest of the security crew. the rest of them had to be at least 6-8, and BUILT. there was one tiny little white guy, but i equate him to that white suited yakuza guy on the simpsons episode. anyways. laura got a sunburn just like driving around in the jeep, i felt bad... but it's AWESOME, really, cause it's like it hasn't been a cloud in the sky since we got here... just jetstreams... man, the jets are like trains. i remember Pete telling me that he didnt even hear the train go by anymore, cause he had heard it all his life... i guess that's how it is here, but i hear it! every few minutes... and it's weird cause my cousins can LISTEN to em and hear what kind it is. they all sound like their either coming or going to me, that's it. well jerry has a bunch of freeweights, i'm gonna go hit em. late.

i threw out my back, my insomnia has been acting up, i have a final today. i really want to elaborate, but the final starts in about an hour, and i like to have extra time to study once i get there. also, i want to find out if steve is gonna be there, cause i'm not going to get too many more chances to see him once he takes off for zoomass next semester, and i'm leaving for VA on like the 26th. there are a ton of people i miss and i feel like i'm unable to remedy it. crap, i'm getting sucked into elaboration. more later, i swear!

music: Say Anything ...is a real boy.

there comes a point when everyones life where they have to take a look at it and say ok, sink or swim? i think that the decision is based on your viewpoint. if you're a half full type, you swim, if you're a half empty one... well, there are only two choices, so it's not real hard to see where i'm scared i'm going to end up.
i've come to the determination that as much as i can feel for someone, now just isn't the time. i feel horrible about it, but it just seems like i cause everyone pain, and i can't look at myself and say that i think i'm worth the effort right now. i don't want to keep going in this cycle. i should have come to this conclusion a long time ago, but i didn't, and i'm responsible for that. i just hope i can make up for it.

     i know it's been another inexcusable period between this and my previous post, and i apologize deeply for that. however due to the fact that i have an exam in the morning, and the fact that the "morning" is only nine hours away, and the fact that well, fuck it, no one's gonna read this anyways, i'm probably going to keep this rather short.
      tonight i saw Art School Confidential. it was amazing. highly recommend... oh, no one is reading this. heh. anyways, this film made me realize one of the reasons i loved hanging out with jake and aj and randi so much was that in addition to their being really cool people, well, they create, which is something i've always loved the idea of, but i know that i don't have the talent for it, not really, not enough to be really appreciated; like in this movie. i couldn't make a living at it, and further i don't know that i really think i could ever be good enough at anything to have it be considered an art.
     what else. oh, school. yeah i definitely wasn't taking espanol anymore, so fuck that shit, that lady was the BIGGEST bitch in the world. eva braun had a better disposistion. whew, that's rough. anyways, criminal law feels like it's going ok, although we'll see tomorrow, when i take the exam. crime & punishment in lit is really interesting, it's just hard to go in the middle of the day. then there's creative writing which, come on kids, it just gets so gosh darn old after awhile. it's fun the first three, maybe even four weeks, but then you just want to shoot yourself on the wednesdays. hide your guns, please.
      i'm sorry, but wait, i don't need to be, because you're probably not reading this, or even hanging out with me regularly, so screw it.

fuck, i'm tired.

goodnight.

music: the killers new album. it really sucks. what a let down.

everything feels foreign, even though it's all so familiar. i've been through all this before, the results are always the same. i don't know why i bother. last time i was jobless was after i left autozone. i had a great girl, so it was just barely bearable. i hate not having money though, i love being able to treat my friends, and i hate when my friends have to treat me. i love buying things, presents for people i love, although luckily not buying things for myself isn't really a huge deal for me. i have had bites here and there, but nothing i call solid, although the ford dealer looks pretty hopeful. the thing with that is they're taking FOREVER to call me back. i don't know. in between school(particularly Spanish), lack of funds, and loneliness stressing me the fuck out, it's annoying as fuck because i have alot of free time, and when i have free time, i start thinking about things i want to forget about.

i need more distractions.

and i want that welder to call me back, so i can get the dang car on the road.

i saw last kiss last night. i really like zach abramoff. his movies are thought provoking, and his comedic acting relieves that sense of over seriousness that a movie or tv show can get. he reminds me of a new tom hanks or john cusak.
anyways. i finally started gluing together my bulletin board, and it's already almost filled up. there's alot of memories on their from the past two years... which as heart wrenching as they've been, i'm really starting to consider them the best of my life. i'm finally feeling like i'm learning new things about people. it's far to easy to figure people out, and i've been surprised by people i called friends alot over the last little bit of my life. i really like that feeling, like i don't know everything after all.
how do you cut someone off? this is really an interesting question. i guess the how really comes down to the why. if you feel slighted, you fight, try to make it painful, to reciprocate some of the pain you feel. but this is what's really strange: if you try to make them hurt, it hurts less. if you just walk away, clean slate, no real explanation or expectation as to what caused it or what will happen in the future... the pain is exponentially worse. i could write so much about this, i have so much to say, and no one who wants to hear it... and i guess that's what's keeping me from writing it all down, or saying it to someone, is that unlike in last kiss or any other idealistic story, camping out on a doorstep and not giving up just gets you arrested, it doesn't get you a second chance, it doesn't even get you heard.
melissa and i talked awhile ago, that felt really good, because she was my best friend for so long, and i think i said something like why is it that i can't make it work, and she said because i'm a hopeless romantic, and there's just not that many left these days, at least not real ones; there's just these people who want to be hopeless romantics, but in the end, they want something totally different.
i think at one time, that was true... but these days, i'm less a hopeless romantic and more just hopeless. better that i concentrate on things i can control. affairs of the heart aren't one of those things.
point in case.

well, i've returned from va. i'm fucking miserable. could be just the rain. could be the fact that i felt so good yesterday before i came in, and then today all i could think about was caroline.the cat that she left us with disappeared. linus hasn't been home since two weeks before i left. i don't think he'll ever show up at this point, he's been gone for too long. he was the only cat i've ever really loved, and he was the last regular reminder of caroline that i had. then when my parents were asking me about virginia it struck me all of a sudden that it did bother me, alot, that janette and gerry had made no effort. the anne thing i understand completly, there was no control that she had over that. hell, with marie i even understand, she's always been a bit on the shy side. growing up, i always thought to myself that granny didn't like us because we were from the second marriage and all, and then when she passed away, that the cousins would actually want to get to know me. all i ever wanted was to be close to that side of the family, and for them not to even take even the smallest of initiative to get to know me, when i'm across town, and i took the fucking initiative to blow my family and friends off for the last month of my summer, in the hopes that i'd get to know the people that i've wanted a relationship with since the first time i met them, but never knew how produce one until then, why is it when i made the fucking effort i still wasn't good enough. i had people telling me here that i shouldn't go, and i don't want to come across like i don't appreciate the time that i spent down there, i got a lot closer to my cousin jody and his family, and spent a bit of time with an aunt that growing up, i knew nothing about, and they all seemed really cool and well adjusted. all i'm upset about is gerry and janette. i think it would have been one thing if they never said anything, but right before i left they fucking call to tell me that they want to see me before i leave and all this shit, and then never say shit else to me? that's fucked up. someday, someones gonna need help or something, and swear on everything that's holy i will not forget being stood up by someone related to me, especially when i put this much focus on relatives. we'll see where being sorry gets you.

location: hell mood: Shitty,

well, i'm almost done with my little excursion to VA. i can say that while i've missed all my friends, i haven't missed much else. i wish that my dad had looked into a position down here when i was younger. maybe alot could have been avoided. i know that i'm supposed to take that outlook like "if what was wasn't, what is could never be", but fuck it. i love it down here. the only things holding me to massachusetts are my family and a few friends. i know some of them would stay in touch, but even over a months time, quite a few have distanced themselves from me. i'm tired of wondering who's with me and who's not. i want to stay down here. i hope someday i'll have the means to do so. and i hope someday comes soon. i hate how hopes never seem to come true.

so, i've now taken a job at the lexus dealership that my cousin works at. it's alot of fun, and i'm learning and driving cars that i would never be able to own, and they're surprisingly nice. i always figured that lexus' were just dressed up toyota's, which, to a degree they are. that really doesn't even describe the degree that these cars are on. it's like saying that a Caddilac is just a re-badged chevy(which, sadly, is closer to the truth than it is with the lexus'). these cars are so nice i don't even feel like i belong on a lot with them unless it was at a car show or something. it's really amazing when you see something of a certain level of craftsmanship and technology and its crammed into a product that is this nice. it makes me really understand what older people mean by american craftsmanship has gone out the window. while a company like Lexus has a slogan like "the endless pursuit of Perfection," and chevy has, "like a rock", you start to see it a little bit... then you pick up a key for a car that just needs to be in your pocket to unlock the car, start it, and has things like leather stock, and all that even in GMs top of the line, you can't even get some of this technology, it just makes me sad.
enough about that. so far i've seen all the cousins, anne looks really happy and her husband, although i only met him briefly, seems really cool. she's quit smoking, which is awesome, and Gerald and Jannette seem to be happy, and rhiannon and Jody are flourishing. i have to say i have tremendous respect for them, as they're doing the american dream, and there doing it themselves, without handouts. they're supporting three kids, buying a house, renting another one, running three cars, and somehow, through all that, not killing each other. i can only hope for that type of future.

but, i don't want to stare to far ahead, i should just worry about not letting my cousin down on the lexus front for now.

i'm up late. and i'm still a bit buzzed. i need sleepies.

well, i'm here. i'm finally working towards things that i've wanted since i was a child. it's scary. i don't think i have ever been this scared in my life. fucking terrorfied. ITS GREAT.

i got a suit for aaron and kelly's wedding. i look surprisingly good in it. i don't feel entirley comfortable in it; it kind of reminds me of my dad. i feel like i'm gonna look over and see him in a pair of jnco's and a tshirt. role reversal sucks. yesterday was really sucky. i don't know how much longer i can deal with this... one more week... maybe two. i can't deal with the way i've treated people around me... but i don't know how to make amends except to leave them be. i think maybe it's for the best, even though the memories are so vivid and common

eh

more laaaaaaaaaaaater.

maybe.

when i think of the things that i wanted to do with my life through the eyes of myself when i was 16, i hate my present self. i see myself as some sort of pathetic guy who can't interact with people his own age, because he fucked things up so badly when he was the age of the people he hangs out with now. this isn't what i wanted. all i want is to leave. and soon.